Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Getting back in the pool

No, I didn't make it to the Y since my last post, nor did I sleep enough, but I talked to my mom and spent a lot of time in the garden and I made a start on getting some things out of the way that have been weighing me down. I can't always sort out what's depression/SAD/PTSD and what's plain old procrastination and what's terror in the face of the enormous undertaking of the store. I think I want to because I have this idea that then I could get the right treatment for each one, but really it's all my life and all debilitating. In the face of anything upsetting or psychologically dangerous I retreat into safe spaces--books, internet, toddler parenting, chocolate--and the dog hair builds up in the corners and the laundry doesn't get washed and I get fatter and no fairy godmother appears to magically pay my vendors on time while carefully keeping a reserve to meet the next payroll period.

It was healthy to unplug, and I'm returning to the blog with some trepidation. I do think much of blogging has been good, but there are clearly ways in which it has reinforced the effects of my depression. I need to resist the Blogdrift Time Vortex with great firmness, I need to keep my bedtime in a reasonable relationship to the time my morning starts, and I need to time my blogging fairly carefully so it's not impinging on either my work or my family. A challenge. I've pruned out a lot of the blogs I don't ever comment on from my subscriptions. I've been typing in my first name in comment fields but that's actually fairly time-consuming. In short, I'm just going to keep an eye on myself.

Practical accomplishments in my time away from the blog: there are now squirrel traps outside the obvious holes in our roofline. (You can't fix the roof until the squirrels are out or they eat the wiring. Fun.) I made some other appointments that have been on my to-do list. We cleaned the patio and removed the sukkah frame that stayed up for a year and half in the name of sanity-preservation--now it's sanity-restoring to have it gone. We hosted a messy party for Z.'s late birthday--8 toddlers, 80-degree weather, and no mishaps.

What may be the most important thing (and much in the same vein as keeping our home from falling into dilapidation and reclaiming some space outdoors) is that we have now completed the application process for joining a babysitting co-op. We used to have a monthly date, but since Z.'s arrival it's become more of a quarterly thing. It's not really okay to never have fun with your spouse. So this should be good, and so easy: one phone call, as late as a few days before we want to go out, and an actual grown-up parent will show up on our doorstep--someone whom we don't have to pick up, pay, or drive home. How much we sit depends on how much we use it, so we'll do one sit a month to cover our one date a month.

And the pool is still on my list.


Phantom Scribbler said...

Glad that you're back, and I hope you can find ways to keep blogging a controlled and enjoyable hobby. Blogdrift can be conquered, I'm sure of it.

Magpie said...

A babysitting co-op sounds awesome! We just rely on my MIL, who lives nearby. She did gripe one day that it would be nice to go out to dinner sans child (i.e. me, husband and in-laws) and that we shoud find a real babysitter. I'm happier going out with husband and leaving child with MIL. Glad you're back!

niobe said...

The squirrel traps, the removal of the sukkah frame, the party for 8 toddlers (I'm impressed), the babysitting coop -- it sounds like you've accomplished a lot recently.

I tend to think that work and family impinge on my blogging, rather than the other way round. But you clearly have your priorities better ordered than I do.

S. said...

Thanks for the welcome-backs. Phantom, I hope so--but it's self-reinforcing, in that if I stay up too late drifting then the next day I'm too tired to do much other than drift. And then more things slide and to avoid them, I drift some more. Of course, if I'm not blogging I'm reading, but that is at least part of my (self-written) job description.

Magpie, we'd have less motivation if either grandmother was less than two hours away--and we've still taken advantage of Grandma Sitter from time to time!

Niobe, thanks--it is amazing how much time you have when you stop doing something that's become obsessive! Sometimes I wonder if that's why I go on time-suck binges. It's like banging your head on the floor--it feels so good when you stop.