1. My uncle once gave me a piece of wood from the petrified forest.

2. Never in my life have I been to Australia.

3. When I was five, I moved away from paradise.

4. High school was the first time I learned about friends leaving me behind.

5. I will never forget the feel of my daughter's head under my fingertips as she crowned.

6. Once I met an irresistible force.

7. There's this girl I know who's having a hard time, and it's twisting me up, too.

8. Once at a bar I saw a bottle fight between two women who looked like your high school gym teacher.

9. By noon I've usually found three different ways my life is a mess.

10. Last night I was asleep before 11:00.

11. If I only had a couple million dollars and a two-family house.

12. Next time I go to shul will be to pick my daughter up from preschool.

13. What worries me most is that I may crash and burn.

14. When I turn my head left I see a mess of books and papers.

15. When I turn my head right I see my fig tree, through the corner of my window.

16. You know I'm lying if I tell you things are fine at the store.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is working theater tech. Lord help me.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I'd be Peter Quince.

19. By this time next year I hope to be financially and emotionally stable. Or pregnant. Right now those sentences appear to be incompatible.

20. A better name for me would be what my family calls me.

21. I have a hard time understanding how my heart works.

22. If I ever go back to school it will be to qualify to teach middle-school science.

23. You know I like you if I have a conversation with you when it's not socially necessary.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be my mom.

25. Take my advice: never have a baby and start a business in the same year.

26. My ideal breakfast is full of protein.

27. A song I love but do not have is "Flower."

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest this tea shop E. and I went to on Saturday.

29. Why won’t people figure out a better way of doing capitalism?

30. If you spend a night at my house, I'll show you the bookstore in the morning.

31. I’d stop my wedding for heat prostration among the main participants. It was hot that day.

32. The world could do without corporate personhood.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than its head.

34. My favorite blonde gave me dinner Sunday night.

35. Paper clips are more useful than pipe cleaners.

36. If I do anything well it’s raise Z.

37. I can’t help but stay up late when I've had too much coming at me.

38. I usually cry when I feel like I can't find myself.

39. My advice to my nephew/niece is to be gentle on your mama, getting born.

40. And by the way, that girl who's having the hard time? I miss her right. now.